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Ask a Knight #1: “What should I do if my friend gets mad when I hang out with other people?”
“What should I do if my friend gets mad when I hang out with other people?” Today’s question is a really important one, from an anonymous sender. Firstly I want to say that this is something I have dealt with and seen other people deal with. It’s probably something we’ve all dealt with from-time-to-time. It may have even been you getting mad when your friend hung out with other people. Because it’s harder to stand up to your friends then it is to someone you only see as a bully. But the truth, whether we like it or not, is when this happens, your friend is bullying you. I don’t mean to say your friend is some awful person. They’re probably not. All I’m saying is that you deserve respect. So do your friends.
Before I list solutions, I’d like to step into the perspective of the friend getting mad at you. It’s not fair to you for your friend to be angry, but your friend is probably worried the other people will replace them. They’re afraid of losing you, but instead of confronting it, they deal with it the wrong way. When you talk to them about it, keep that in mind. Make sure that you’re not being mean to them just to prove a point, because it will hurt them deeply. But also, today we’re going to talk about the difference between mean and firm. You need to be firm in this situation for anything to change.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed about this situation, read the boldened words first to get a basic idea and not overthink it.
In most situations:
- Start with a gentle approach. Ask your friend, when no one else is around [no need to humiliate them], why they get so upset when you hang out with other people. Listen to what they have to say, and wait until they’re finished. If they say something like, You’re being a bad friend by leaving me alone, you have a right to correct them. Say something along the lines of, I’m sorry you feel excluded, but I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m allowed to have other friends. And whatever they say, elaborate on it. Mention ways you could include them or ways they could join in. They might stay upset after this, so there are more options and steps below.
- Talk to the other people you hang out with about it. Say something like, hey, [so and so] has been feeling really left out. Do you think we could all talk, and you could tell them that you aren’t against them? Ask them to join you and your angry friend in a conversation, so that they can introduce themselves as an ally and not a threat. Who knows? Maybe they’ll become friends. Additionally, although they may not immediately get along, hopefully they’ll be kinder to each other in respect of you. Make sure that arranging the conversation won’t make it seem like you were gossiping about the other person before, but rather as a kind gesture to make amends.
- Even if things aren’t getting better immediately, regularly check-in with all your friends. Ask them how they’ve been feeling about the situation recently, be kind and considerate, and keep trying. Sometimes the answer is just time.
In severe situations:
- If your old friend has never been kind to you, you should tell a trusted adult. Consider giving yourself a fresh start and separating yourself from them. However, there’s a lot that goes into this. If your friend is a good friend and you’re in the middle of a fight, don’t give up on them. But I mention this because sometimes people have “friends” who are constantly mean to them, and they don’t realize they deserve better. I’ve been that person. No one should be. So try and look at how your friend treats you with an outsider’s view. Are they always making rude jokes? Talking about you behind your back? Never taking your feelings seriously? You should tell someone and stop being friends with them. Are they usually nice? Helping you, listening to you, or trying to, regardless of their flaws? Keep being friends with them, try to fix what’s happening. Your call on what situation this is.
- If your new friend[s] are mean to you or your old friend, repeat Step 4. Tell a trusted adult, consider separating yourself. But again, there’s a lot that goes into this. There’s a difference between your new friend[s] not getting along with your old friend and your new friend being a bad friend. Look at how they act with an outsider’s view, and it’s your call on what’s happening.
- If you’d like to report any of your friends to a trusted adult, and don’t know how, consider using Sprigeo.
In all situations:
- Separate. If you’ve tried all the steps above [1-3 for calm situations, 4-5 for extreme ones] and nothing is working, avoid mixing your new friend[s] and old friend[s]. Tell both of them that you care about them but are still friends with the other person, and they just have to accept that. Then, take turns. For instance, you could switch lunch tables every other day.
In summary, you should communicate with all your friends in this situation, and try to reach an agreement. If any of your friends are bullying you, you should tell a trusted adult and consider spending less time with them. You should be firm that you are allowed to have other friends, but you shouldn’t be mean on purpose. Consider everyone’s feelings, but be aware you’re only responsible for your own. If nothing works, keep your friend groups separate.
Remember, although I’m here to help you, you should still make your own decisions. I don’t know everything, or what your friends are like. If you feel something I said here is wrong, don’t do it, and my apologies. The key to any situation is communication.
Good luck,
-Margot
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wow this advice column is so cool!